Around 10-12 years ago, discussing mental health and specifically, counselling or therapy was taboo. I remember vividly an ex-boyfriend would yell at me ‘YOU NEED COUNSELLING’ mid-argument. He was right to be fair but nowadays, you’d like to think this topic would be handled a bit more sensitively. No judgement on him, I wasn’t much better. Around the same time, a family member was dealing with their own mental health issues and to say I didn’t deal with it in the most helpful of ways would be an understatement. I’ve had to make peace with that time through counselling, because punishing myself for years has not helped my mental health either. What a tangled web.
Over the past decade, we have seen an uprising in the acceptability of talking about what’s going on in our heads. This has been a welcome change for me. I’m someone who has always been open with their thoughts and feelings, sometimes to the chagrin of my peers. At the beginning of 2016 I decided to follow the advice of many an American TV and film actor and send myself off to therapy. The American’s have talked about therapy a lot over the years in TV and film and I have consumed A LOT of this kind of entertainment throughout my life. However, rather unfortunately, when you’d see someone “in therapy” in any of these formats, they’d normally be a cat lady/the stereotypical geek or some snivelling pathetic character. They’re not my opinions but rather the way the director was trying to portray that character. You’d think this would have put me off counselling but apparently, I’m not easily deterred.
Back to 2016 – I got myself onto google and typed in “counselling Leicestershire”. I found the BACP website https://www.bacp.co.uk/ where I then found a lovely lady (I will call her Joanne, not her real name) who provided counselling at her home, a couple of villages away from me. I visited her every week for a year and a half. It’s probably worth mentioning, I am lucky to be in a position to pay for private counselling. I know that the waiting lists for NHS provided counselling can be long and there was no way I was going to take up a spot on that list when I knew there were people who were way more in need than me. I’d also like to mention that I have always found it easy to speak to people, especially to strangers about things that others might struggle to, so I do count myself as lucky for being an over-sharer!
I was very open with my immediate family about Joanne. However, it wasn’t until recently that I realised I, and we as a family, referred to her as “The Lady”. In hindsight, I realise this was an attempt to distance ourselves from the situation and it almost felt like to use her real name would be making this all too real. That makes me quite sad to think about now but thankfully, things have progressed since then.
Back to Joanne and counselling, I told her about everything that was going on in my life. From family issues to friendship problems to boyfriend dramas. We once had a very in-depth chat about why I insisted on carrying around a massive handbag full of God knows what. We worked out that I like to be prepared but that stemmed from a deep fear of not being able to handle a potential situation that may arise if I didn’t have a plaster/hairbrush/my diary. I had been brought up to prepare for the worst and Joanne was trying to unpick that and encourage me to get excited for the best instead.
I spoke with my counsellor for around a year and a half. During this time, I entered and very quickly exited a very toxic relationship. Thinking back now, Joanne was not impressed at all with my choice of partner but it’s not her job to make my decisions for me. Ultimately, her job is to give me the tools to make reasonable, sensible and positive decisions for myself. Thankfully, that’s what I did in the end. A few months later, I entered into another relationship. An extra special relationship with my lovely, supportive partner. You could tell that Joanne was happy about this choice (although, again, she never actually said those words). Counsellors read people for a living so she must have read that I was happy, properly happy.
I eventually came to a stage where there wasn’t much to talk about. Life was running rather smoothly and we decided to part ways but the door was always open if I needed to return. I miss Joanne. She was such a lovely lady and really helped me through a crappy period.
Fast forward to August 2020, we were 5 months into the pandemic and it would be fair to say that everyone had had enough. I was particularly struggling and I felt like my change in mood was starting to affect my partner so I got myself back on to the BACP website and searched for a new counsellor. I could have returned to Joanne but I wanted someone more local as we had moved house. I found Pearl, again, not her real name. I’ve been having telephone and in-person counselling with her ever since. We have discussed similar topics to those I discussed with Joanne. Our current hurdle is my people pleasing. I have a job where I am the go-to person for pretty much everything and I also have friendships and family relationships where the same is the case. Considering I’m not convinced about the notion of having kids, it’s interesting that I operate in a mother-like way. I look forward to letting people get on with their lives and in turn, doing the same for myself.
I’m so pleased that we live in a world that’s ever changing in the right direction. It’s such a relief that talking about your mental health is becoming more and more prevalent. The sooner we treat it in the same regard as physical health, the better. I would recommend counselling to anyone. I honestly feel we could all benefit from talking to a professional about our lives and minds.
Some items that have helped me:
Books
Notes on a Nervous Planet – Matt Haig
The CBT handbook – Pamela Myles, Roz Shafran
TV
Brene Brown – The Call to Courage (Netflix)
Podcasts
We Can Do Hard Things with Glennon Doyle – Anxiety
Super Soul with Oprah Winfrey
Instagram accounts
@calm
@what.is.mental.illness
@myeasytherapy