Being Uncomfortable

Being uncomfortable is something that I don’t feel often. The word doesn’t get a lot of use in my general lexicon. I can actually remember the last time I used the word, it was about Bull last week. Because it was an uncomfortable play. Like really uncomfortable to watch in places. Deliberately so. I shouted in some lads face from a distance of less than a metre. Covid worries aside (everyone was testing regularly etc), I was actually comfortable with the proximity and the hostility I was providing because I’m quite a confident person and so it’s easy for me to act like an arrogant shouty knob. If I was on the other side of that power dynamic, I would have struggled, because it doesn’t come easy to me to retreat. If someone is shouting at me, I want to have a go back, not cower. My cast mate did a bloody good job at being cowed, all in the name of great theatre.

I saw a play last year, a one person one act, that was tremendous. An amateur show that I went to see on a whim, and by fuck, I’m glad I went. I’ve been thinking about it recently and why I was so impressed. And now I know why. I don’t think I could have done what the actor did. They literally stripped this character down, were vulnerable themselves at the same time, uncomfortable in a lot of places in the script and then built themselves back up again and put themselves back together. That uncomfortableness would put me off. I just would not want to be that uncomfortable and so I shy away from doing it myself and applaud those who do.

I have a similar issue with tv, film, literature or going to watch theatre. I don’t like to be out of my comfort zone. I’ll prefer something that is easy to watch or read than a difficult subject. I can explain it easily using Saving Private Ryan as an example. It’s a bloody good film, an excellent film, a multiple award winning film. And it’s a fucking uncomfortable watch. When I saw it I loved it in so many ways and hated it at the same time. I don’t think I’ll ever watch it again. It makes me too uncomfortable. And when I want to be entertained, I want to feel happy after, rather than upset. It’s why I like Mischief Theatre, because they make silly theatre where all I need to do is laugh and not worry about anything else. One of my favourite authors, Matthew Reilly, pens fast paced novels about adventure where I don’t need to think and there’s a happy ending. Although I still haven’t forgiven him for killing off a beloved character halfway through a book.

I take this dislike of uncomfortableness into exercise and eating. I like to exercise, but only exercise that doesn’t make me that uncomfortable. I don’t like to push myself, although I will when required. And I don’t ever feel hungry really. If I get a bit peckish, I grab a snack. I just don’t let myself be uncomfortable. I think perhaps I need to be a little uncomfortable sometimes. My decision making is predicated on taking the most comfortable option. Maybe I need to start making decisions that just tip the scales slightly back in the opposite direction. Ruffle my own feathers a little.