Summer

Alright here we go… I don’t like the summer. It’s too summery. It’s too hot. I’m too hot and I have hay fever. That’s it, that’s all I’ve got to say. Shortest post ever.

A friend described me as being a summer Scrouge. And I suppose I am. I look on all of those things that summer embodies and my face turns south. It makes me feel bitter about the flaming ball in the sky. You’d think I’d love summer because of all the cricket I can watch, but I’d rather watch it in the winter when we’re overseas. And I couldn’t give a flying fuck about tennis. Silly piddly sport. Well it’s not a sport, it’s a game you play on a coiffed lawn. Wimbledon excites me about as much as diarrhoea does. All pebble dashed and smelly. You may as well play table tennis. I do love a game of ping pong.

I’m too hot. And when I’m hot, I get grouchy. There are some who love the scorching heat, I can’t stand it. Give me a rainy day any time. I struggle when I go on holiday, which means that most of the time they’re not as fun as they should be, because I’m just bloody hot. Although I’ve been to Croatia in the summer and that was lovely, but I was lucky enough to go to an air conditioned resort with a lovely pool to sit by with a large parasol. I’m alright in the shade… with a nice breeze… wearing next to nothing… and a cold drink… and an ice cream… and a pool nearby to jump into to cool down.

Fuck knows what I’d do if I actually lived in a country that had proper weather and proper seasons. Our weather in the UK seems to be screwed at the moment. But I suppose that’s to do with climate change and that’s not what this post is about. It’s about me and the fact that I don’t like to be hot or the summer. O and with the warmer weather I get sneezy and scratchy eyes. The bloody summer turns me into a fucking dwarf from a well known Disney Princess story. It sucks. I take two different tablets a day to try and suppress it. I’d be bloody useless in a zombie apocalypse in the summer when me and my band of humans are trying to sneak through a field past some unsuspecting dead ones. One whiff of a blade of grass and boom, I’m sneezing my lungs out and the biters are gobbling them up.

Don’t get me wrong (why would you get me wrong?) I can see the benefits that we get from summer and the joy it brings to a lot of people. I’m not immune to a pretty summery view. I just don’t want to be sweating when I view it. So fuck summer and the horse it rode in on. I’m probably allergic to horses as well, but I’ve not been near one recently. Anyway fuck horses as well! But not in a literal sense, because that’s frowned upon.

I think I’m delirious from the heat.