A white blank page and a swelling rage, rage…
mumford and sons – white blank page
I felt angry on Tuesday morning this week. Not just a little spike of anger and then it toddles off, no. Searing anger. It invaded me and curdled my insides so they felt rancid and tasted bad. It filled me up so my vision started to be affected and my left eye started to twitch. I couldn’t turn the anger off, couldn’t dampen it with anything, couldn’t centre myself and remain calm. And there was seemingly no reason for it. I was just suddenly full of molten lava. In a call back to last week’s post, I knew that if I sorted some stuff out at work in the morning, I could go home for the afternoon. I could create time for myself, just for an afternoon, and remove myself from other people and calm down at home.
Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.
Yoda – the phantom menace
Our lovely friend Yoda said the above in one of the most controversial Star Wars films. Controversial because lots of people thought it was shit and got angry and wanted to peel their eyes and ears off whenever Jar Jar Binks was on screen. I personally liked the film and in the end didn’t mind a bit of Jar Jar. It was meant to get a new generation of kids into Star Wars and it did just that. I mean ultimately Anakin Skywalker, on his path to becoming Darth Vader, murders a load of kids (Jedi younglings) in the third film of that prequel trilogy, but there you are. Anyway! Back to the anger. When I’m angry I do start to hate. That impetus of anger shoves me towards hatred of the things in front of me. So nipping the anger in the bud is always best as I was lucky enough to do on Tuesday.
The hate I feel is part of what fuels me…
maximo park – apply some pressure
When I was younger I had feelings of anger and hatred more often than nowadays. Sometimes for good reason, sometimes not. For a long time, the above lyric from Maximo Park (I met them once in Sheffield, lovely lads) was stuck by old chewing gum to the back of my mind. A grubby reminder that those negative feelings were not great, really needed excising, but whilst they were there, I could try and use them for good. I converted them into fuel to try and bleed off the negativity and get me through the day. The only problem with doing that, is the anger and hatred would start to consume and tarnish my actions and relationships if I let it go on too long. I realised using anger and hate for fuel was foolish and I needed to deal with both emotions properly. The song does have a catchy tune though.
Fortunately, removing myself from any potential ‘situations’ worked and I calmed down quickly. In fact, I had my first rehearsal on stage at Market Harborough Theatre for the play I’m in titled Bull, Tuesday evening. I felt really positive about it. But more on acting and Bull in another soon to be written post…
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