Psychological Therapy

I’ve been going to chat with a therapist or a counsellor, I never know which to use. They are a chartered counselling psychologist which is a bit of a mouthful. I’ll stick with therapist. I’ve mentioned before that they have a way of mildly rebuking me when I’m being a little silly, that makes me feel a little like a child again but also gives me a slight out so I have a chance to be adult about things. Also, sometimes they give me homework, I fucking hate homework… but I do it. Because in the end I know it’s good for me.

I look at therapy the same as I viewed physiotherapy after both of my knee operations. The more pain I was in on the physio’s table the better I would feel later on. And when they gave me exercises to do at home, I bloody well did them. I made sure I kept up because I wanted my knees to get better. And it’s the same with therapy. The more difficult the subject is to talk about, the better I feel after. And I do the homework begrudgingly because again I know it’s good for me. There are times when actually what we chat about is not as difficult as some of the other stuff, but that’s good too, because sometimes I just need someone to tell stuff to and have them nod along without really offering up much of an opinion.

I started going after Dad died, but not just because of that. I used to get dizzy to the point where I couldn’t stand up straight. It was obviously stress due to work as I had taken on a lot more responsibility and silly old me, I didn’t start therapy then. I should have done. I think when my body tells me something, I should probably listen. It has been really helpful and I can feel my brain sometimes making connections that perhaps I would not have been able to fathom before. And understanding the way I think compared to others has been illuminating. There have been times in the past where I could not understand the way some people handle some situations, but now I’m a little better at recognising my differences and giving people a bit more space to process.

Last session my therapist asked me how I was getting on with our sessions and how I felt about them. I try to be as honest as possible so I had to tell them that I resented the way in which I sometimes feel manipulated by my therapist. Now this is silly really because it’s the therapist’s job to ask questions to lead me to answers to unlock a problem I’ve been having, but I can feel them doing it and I resist. What I’ve learnt is that they are not there to trick me, even though sometimes I feel like I’m being tricked and actually the magic happens when I feel better.