Weirdly this week, I’ve been speaking to two friends about the blog and I happened to mention that I was struggling for a topic to wang on about. Coincidentally both suggested topics to write about. Perfectly good suggestions and they were being helpful, lovely friends. And it’s not to say I definitely won’t write on their suggestions in the future, but my immediate reaction was to be stubborn and politely rebuff their suggestions. Instantly I was definitely not going to write about what they put forward. It was not for me.
Part of that was about the fact that the blog comes from me and through me. It’s about what’s in my brain, what I am thinking about, what I want to write about. So when someone gives me a direct suggestion, it hasn’t come from me, so immediately I’m not as interested. However I have been inspired by others. What we’ve spoken about or what we’ve been up to. But again, it’s about something I’ve witnessed and then I write my spin on it, not a direct suggestion. This whole blog post is thanks to them. They gave me the inspiration to write about my stubbornness. But it wasn’t their suggestion outright.
I’ve spoken in therapy about my stubbornness. It’s a perfectly silly trait to have. It’s ridiculous. In the past when someone has suggested something to me, I would have a visceral reaction to say no or do the opposite, for no good reason. When someone corrected me, I would immediately want to fight my corner. When someone pointed out where I was being a dickhead, I would push back and vehemently explain why I’m not a dickhead. And at the exact same time, I know that what is being said to me is correct and / or reasonable. It’s that feeling of being irked. I would get warm, go tense, harden. I would push back and not in a polite manner.
My reactions nowadays are a little softer and more polite, for the most part. I have a stubborn streak and I will say no just because, but hopefully I’m more polite about it. And when I feel myself being stubborn, I keep that with me and ruminate on why I’m being stubborn. In the blog’s case, it was because the blog’s purpose is for stuff to come from me and get out of my brain. It’s a way for me to think about and express me and my thoughts.
Unfortunately I don’t think my stubbornness will go away any time soon, but softening it and hearing others out will at least make me less spiky. It’s an ongoing process which I know I will fail at from time to time. And I don’t want to discourage anyone from speaking to me about the blog or offering up suggestions. I want those suggestions. Come one, come all!
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