Stresses

The noun ‘stress’ can be countable and uncountable. Therefore the title of this post has two redundant letters but I wanted something a little more than simply the word stress. Something extra. Something a little more pizzazy, something you have to work a little harder to say or think about. When I was younger, stress was not something I was really worried about. I’m sure at points I had times of stress, but young me was arrogant enough to blow through, shrug off and deal with the small modicum of responsibility that I had. I was a privileged kid, what real responsibilities did I have?

And so we fast forward quite a lot and I feel now (sometimes) like I’m in a tight glass box, hands bound and there’s water being poured in. The water might be round my ankles, or my waist or I’m just on tippee toes with my mouth and nose above the water line, but I’m always wet with stress. I’m going to move on from that image sharpish. Actually, you know when you were forced as a kid to jump into a swimming pool with your pyjamas on and pick up that brick from the pool floor and get it out of the pool, your pj’s would obviously be heavier because of the water. Yeah that, stress is like constantly being in wet clothes. I feel heavier and what encases me is irritable because I’m not dry. I’m sure you get it. Now I’ll move on.

I’m no different to anyone else out there, in fact, I’m still in a privileged position and I know this. I imagine we all have our days of high stress. But I do have real life responsibilities now that spider web out to a few other human beings and I know it’s this that stresses me the most, especially when I feel like my hands are tied and I can’t seem to shift those bonds. I used to let it all pile on, but I’m better at recognising it nowadays and trying the tactics that work for me, to ensure it doesn’t fill up too much of the glass box. I try not to let that pressure of the ‘water’ bear down so much. There’s nothing worse for me than feeling like I don’t have any options, I’ve nowhere to go. Trying to think around situations to move them along, break them up or simply solve them. If I can’t get to an answer, my stress levels can rocket.

I get annoyed when I get stressed. I’m annoyed that I’m stressed. I’m annoyed that there’s this thing that takes over my body and starts to cause me issues. And this stresses me out even more. It’s a bloody loop. I need to stop. Deep breath. And again. Breathe.

PS – I have a degree in English Literature and Creative Writing. I had to learn what a noun is to start this post properly.