There are times when I can visualise my ego. It sits in the chair just behind my work pc screen; it hangs off the bookcase in my ‘man cave’ just behind me; it rattles around in the boot of my car. I sometimes have to carry it on my travels in an oversized baby sling. To be honest this whole blog is just a huge support system for my ego, nourishing my need to be noticed. Look at me, I have a shiny logo! The bear is super cute though. Look at him reading his book, so sweet.
When I can see my ego, that’s actually a good thing for me. A reminder that it exists, it’s part of me and sometimes it needs to be tempered so that it/I don’t get out of control. I’m not saying I get rid of my ego altogether because I believe a healthy ego is important. There are times when too little ego can be damaging to one’s self worth, the same as when too much can also be a huge hinderance. I suppose though that as long as I can see it, I can do something about it. Give it a little stroke and tell it to be quiet. (That’s what she said! That’s what she said!) It has taken many years of discipline to soothe my ego and therefore keep it in check. I mean, I’d buy it a PS5 to keep it occupied but you can’t get them anywhere at the minute, and it’s not having mine. My ego is also fragile. It’s strange how on some days, it’s so tough, it’s basically Superman – bulletproof. And on other days, everything is kryptonite to this silly thing and the slightest of bumps leaves the biggest of bruises.
There are times when I can’t see my ego. It gets shrouded in darkness and stress. This is when it is most dangerous. Out of sight, out of mind… As I can’t see it, it is able to sneak up on me and take over. I suppose it’s like a helmet and I see a heads up display that shows me the shittiest options and makes them look absolutely awesome. And of course I pick a shit option that makes my ego burst with pride… and I’ve left someone upset or damaged my chances of helping someone else along their way. And to compound the mistake I’ve made, my ego won’t even let me admit that I have done something wrong. For me, having to put my ego aside in certain circumstances is one of the hardest things to do. I literally have to swallow it to make it go away so that I am able to be an adult.
PS – It’s taken me over four weeks to write this post. I keep coming to it, writing a sentence or two, changing a couple of things and then getting stuck and carrying on with another post. I suppose it’s been hard to articulate.