A Small Step Towards Happy

I was recently speaking to a neighbour who is very friendly and is one of those people who will help you out whenever you need them, even though we don’t really know each other. He’s the sort of hands on gent who is retired but worked in a trade all his life and has every hand tool you could ever need in his shed. And he does, I’ve witnessed it. He’s a lovely bloke. It was just after I’d got back from holiday and he was asking after what Japan was like and did I have a good time. We had a lovely chat and it wandered along to different areas and I mentioned that Dad had died a couple of years ago, but from the start of this year, something had a changed.

Now I wrote about joy and happiness in a post not too long ago called Trumpets. Click on the button below and it will take you straight to it:

In Trumpets I wrote about my feelings of guilt because I’d danced round my kitchen to a song whilst feeling happy. A simple action and an understandable feeling when I’m dealing with grief. Back to the chat with my neighbour and the thing that I believe has changed is happiness. And I’m not trying to overstate my recent unhappiness and I don’t think it ever got bad enough that I required any more help than talking to my therapist every three weeks to help me out. I feel lucky that I was able to manage it and still be able to do everything that I do.

I’ve been feeling like I’ve been standing still. This thing happened to me and I could not move forward and for nearly two years I was immobile. And at the same time I’ve been able to see friends, act in plays, have fun, but my default position never moved forward. I was in a shadow that I could not move out of. I don’t know what happened really. I can’t pinpoint an event in my life or a big feelings shift, but from the start of this year I’ve just felt like I’ve finally been able to take a small step forward. I suppose time is the thing that has changed. Time has meandered along and taken me with it.

It feels… weird. I spent quite a bit of time not moving forward and so all my metaphorical joints are a little stiff. My default would be to be at home and hide away. I’m lucky enough to have an awesome place to call my home and I love it there, but I wasn’t outside of it doing everything else enough. Yet now I am. The feelings of guilt are still there a little, but in recognising them, I’ve been able to banish them a little more. I’ve been able to get some of that weight off and move it along and take a small step towards happy.